15 5 / 2013
This little babe is running out of room. How in the world are we going to keep growing for the next 7 weeks? He has to be huge by now! But I can’t lie, feeling his every twist and wiggle makes me smile, even if he does jam a foot into my rib at the same time as he smacks his head against my bladder. Make no mistake, he will make me pee myself before this is all over…
14 5 / 2013
I know motherhood puts me in a different class than all my other twenty-something childless friends. I know that. But damn if it doesn’t hurt anyway.
I’ve busted my butt to make sure my friends know I am still me, and I’m putting the effort in now so when my newborn owns my life for a couple months, they know I’m still there. But I’m starting to get back burner’d and it’s not okay. I got pregnant, not leprosy.
I need mommy friends :(
13 5 / 2013
I’m oddly proud of the stretch marks that I am now sporting on my lower belly. I’ve been having some not so lovely body image issues lately, where I feel like a land whale… Nothing fits, some of my maternity tops don’t even cover my belly. And while I like my bump, I hate my swollen feet and am starting to resent my thighs. And all together, everything makes me feel huge. It’s frustrating… My body is doing this incredibly amazing thing, and I’m a little unhappy with how it looks.
But the stretch marks. I’m actually kind of proud of those.
13 5 / 2013
So, so, so enormously proud of my husband. And SO happy for him. I’m the luckiest woman in the world, that becomes more and more clear every day that goes by.
12 5 / 2013
My ‘baby to do’ list is getting really long. It makes me oddly giddy… I know we’ll get it all done, that doesn’t stress me out at all. I’m just excited because it won’t be too long now before the love of our lives is safe in our arms.
My anxiety this weekend has been an all time low. I don’t know if it’s because my mom and mike came down and it was Alex’s graduation, so we were busy, or what… But I had a “duh” moment the other day, and I think it’s made a difference.
I realize most people probably understand this, but for whatever reason this had never sunk in for me before… But trust is a choice. It’s not a feeling. Like love is a choice, not a feeling. And I get that about love. I love my husband, it comes totally naturally, but I recognize that I still have to choose to actively love him, beyond the warm fuzzies. And trusting is the same principle… But for some reason, I kept waiting for a feeling.
So it finally occurred to me that I can’t keep waiting to just magically trust that my baby is going to be ok. I can’t just wait for this feeling of trusting that god has my child in his hands. I have to just do it. It’s a decision, an action.
I really can’t tell you why that never clicked with me before, but it does now. And while it doesn’t cure my anxiety, it helps. I’m trying to retrain my thoughts to just not go there anymore. I’m starting counseling this week, and hopefully that will help a lot, too. And my doctor said I have options for anti-anxiety meds after he’s born that won’t interfere with breastfeeding, so I’m glad to know I have a good plan and support network, and things are looking good.
Every day is a fight against anxiety, but this weekend I’m doing pretty well :)